Standing in the rain....

Hey, it's been a while, I know.

A lil update from this side of the house-hold.

I got paid from the gov't a few days ago, and I've been able to pay for most of my school, my rent and my bills as well as GROCERIES!!! (for the first time in about 2 months)
Now, I'm just waiting for my other money to come through for me, so I can pay my Visa and feel less stressed. woo

Three days ago I was talking to my mother...out of pity and she questioned my distance, but was extraordinarily rude about it, and I was completely blunt with her and basically told her what I've been afraid to tell her since...well...a long time. After I told her all of it, she pretty much...flipped out and was like "Well, I can see now why your dad wanted to kill you"...and right then I was taken on a flashback...a repressed one...of my father touching me and holding a gun near my head.....holy man, that was a hard night... :(

The next day I got a call from a collections agency, and I figured it was about my visa, which I could deal with...but they were actually calling and accusing me of owing $2700 for the old apt's I lived in. They say that I didn't move out until July 5 of 06 and they are telling me I didn't pay, thus have that 4 months of outstanding rent, late charges and other crap charges....so...I need to find a way to get them off my back since I MOVED OUT IN MARCH! Oi vey!

mmmmhmmm...and now I'm just trying to deal with school...I'm almost done! YESSSS!!!!!!!

Thank you Jesus.


heh...that's all for now.

Research Papers are DEATH

Yep. Research papers are death....since Monday I have been working really hard on my research paper about Euthanasia...and the whole time I have been BEYOND frustrated...rewriting it 4 times. So, I've decided Euthanasia is not the subject for me. What are some good subjects then?
Cingular Wireless is the best wireless network carrier in North America
Barbie's increase children's mental capacity
All women need to have at least one child
...I don't stinkin know!

This whole topic has been affecting my entire demeanor and now I've just given up...yep....so what should I change my topic to? lol...I want something funny!

Alive, alive, alive forevermore...

UGH! Do NOT, may I repeat DO NOT take hydromorphine unless it's your prescription and you feel like suffocating and having electric shock sensations....

I took one last night along with some other pain medication and what started off as an adventure in stopping my back pain ended in a suicide frenzy...by 130, my body was twitching involuntarily, my mouth was dry, I kept suffocating, my throat would close and I wouldn't be able to breath for a while....and the last time it happened I actually passed out because of a lack of air...but I'm STILL ALIVE.

I don't know how I feel about that....I'm trying to write a paper on Euthanasia and I think it's getting to me...because when I woke up this morning...I was still suicidal....and continue to feel that way now.

The only thing I know is that if for even one second I decide to live by my emotions.....I'm outta here.

Scared and Lonely

Alright...my disclaimer on this blog entry is this:

****highly selfish and smoothered in self-pity****

So, any of you who read my last few blog entries know that I broke up with Core last night. And since then I've felt empty and numb. Comfortably though. Well, tonight I've been cleaning my room and with it came so many memories of us...the first teddy bear he gave me, the songs that we loved to listen to together, the games we would love to play...the first note he wrote me (and a love note at that)...oi...so the whole time I was trying to worship and trying to just give it all to God, which has done okay thus far...but now other things are starting to creep up...like:

-my Holy Spirit Retreat paper, which I cannot, for the life of me, concentrate on.

-all of my school work:

-The Glorious Disturbance book + questions (est 5 hours)

-Major Research Paper on Euthanasia

-Got my last Paul midterm back today...17/30...freaking...shoot me.

-Book Report on The Normal Christian Life (which I can't afford and it's due Mon)

-My Accountability Reports...and 10 journal and 10 sermon notes

-THEN there is my Modular Post Course work:

-Read Wired for Ministry

-Write a sermon on the parable of the Ten Virgins

-Join my sermon together with Davida and Joy's sermons and make a large church schedule as well as a poster...

And the Christmas banquet is coming up...oi vey....if I kill myself ever in my life...it will be tonight or in the near freakin future....now sounds great.

Comfortably Numb.

Who am I to try and justify myself to the Lord? He is the Almighty justifier. He is the unifier...He is the Almighty.

Today has been a struggle...one min I'm wondering why I haven't gotten a text from him, and the second after I think that I remember...and I remain numb.

I can feel myself putting up walls between myself and my friends. I am comfortably numb. I am okay with this. But there is those little whispering voices...one says "Don't talk to anyone, spend time with God instead" and the other says "Don't isolate yourself, that's not of God." Which one should I listen to?
I think I complain too much anyhow...life isn't that bad when I'm alone...I don't have anyone to tell me what to do or how to act, they don't judge me or tell me things I don't want to hear (true or not)...I just don't know...

And...

...the emptiness sets in.

I just broke up with Core...for good this time.

Am I going to stand firm on this? Am I going to give in again? What am I going to do when I see him at church? What am I going to do if he texts me? How am I going to react...besides breaking into a sobbing fit.

Oh...Emptiness, shall I embrace thee?

If You Loved Me.

"We're only deceiving ourselves and I'm sick of the lies...and you're too late.
Don't cry for me. If you loved me, you would be here with me.
Just make up your mind."

I have been having these crazy nightmares recently...I didn't know why until tonight...and now that I know..I know and I wish I didn't. The nightmares where two different ones, but recurring. I am trapped in both of them and I almost die....in one of them I think I do die...

Okay so I woke up this morning and I've been struggling with my boyfriend...immensly...like a LOT...and I feel so unsatisfied, yet I love him...what kind of girlfriend am I? Er...anyway...when I woke up this morning God told me that I'm gonna have to break some stuff off of me and just...be secure in Him. When I went to school....God was talking to me through the preacher there and oi vey...I have to break it off with him completely. I mean right now we're both "waiting" but I mean...I feel like I'm gonna break him. I owe it to him to just...let it go. But then I think about how my life will be without him...a lot less complicated, yes, but...empty. He has a large piece of my heart and if I just leave....then...I'm short that much heart. I am without my security...not only that I've got a chunk of his heart too...it's not mine...I don't want it...I want him to have it...I just...*is crying*...where do I go...thinking of life without him makes me want to scream.
Then I remember that my security and strength is in the Lord, not in him...
I feel like I'm letting him down.
I feel like I'm failing him.
What if he is the one I'm meant to be with? Am I going against the will of the Lord?
I don't want to jeopardize my leadership with the youth...I don't want to jeopardize my life for a relationship....
I'm so empty right now...and at the same time I'm so close to God...

I feel like I could just cry for days....and days and weeks...someone hold me :(

This Hurricane of Bleepin Lies

Time and time again, I come to a point where I need to ask myself one simple question.
Am I or am I not being rational?
Are my fears rational?
What about my tears?
My prayers?
My hopes? Dreams? Nightmares?
Better yet, what IS rational?

Does being rational make you normal, or does being normal make you rational?

I went to a time of worship with Jason Upton tonight...it was amazing. The anointing on him makes me want to fall in awe...
Tonight, Jason said a lot. His message was just dripping with information...intreging information at that. His little talk made me realize I rationalize WAY too often.
Today I was on the bus when a women had a seizure...I thought God was telling me to go and talk to her..just to be her friend...cuz no one else was..instead, I walked right on by her...twice....holy conviction batman. Thank the Lord for grace.
Anyhow...the reason I say this is simply because, as Christians, we are rationalizing life way too often...saying that we can't do something, saying that it's meant for someone else to do....


Oi...I'm falling asleep...thus the disjointed thoughts.

I love you Jesus...I love you so much

It's over, so over.

Well, my last post was made during a time of extreme opression...and thus you're all lucky that "it figures" is all I said. lol

Anyhow...this weekend is our youth retreat...oh my goodness...talk about freaky!
I've been thinking and praying about this weekend for so long...and now it's pretty much here. Insane.
Tonight I am going to Jason Upton with Nathan and his family...the show is in Red Deer, so I'm gonna have to stay up at Nathan's tomorrow...but, hey...an opportunity to do some homework! Considering I have one paper due on Friday and two on Monday...with books. Either way, I'm really excited. Though I feel bad that I'm leaving my baby behind and pretty much alone for 5 days. :( I'm a bad pet owner...I love you Selah!

Yep...so an update on my life...
On Monday I broke everything off with Core. He has so much potential and I wanted it for me...and God has been slowly and gently showing me that what I see in him is not mine, it's someone else's. *sigh*
That's okay though...God's plans are a WHOLE lot better than mine anyhow.
Mark and I have been talking a lot...which is strange...and he wants to go out next week...the only fear in that is that he's stood me up more than once before...oi.
Oh I stayed at Amy's place last night!!! And GUESS WHAT?!?! I got my ring! I know what you're thinking "What ring???"
Well, I got my purity ring! It's wonderful...it means more to me than just staying pure...it's like a ring...a convanent of sorts between Jesus and I...I am His beloved, and thus I need to act so...the ring is just a sweet lookin reminder.

Anyhow...I'm gonna go spend a lil time with my baby girl, Selah. God bless ya'll....

It figures

It freakin figures.

Technology Fast...eeek

Hey....so I'm going on a technology fast tomorrow...from the time I wake up to the time I go to sleep...
I don't know how well I will do at this...I figure I'll either go to sleep or...rock in a corner crying. haha seriously.
Even preparing for this day has kind of given me a lot of insight...why am I so...needy...when it comes to things like music, my computer and my cell phone? - I'm not sure.

So, tomorrow I have plans.
Plans to clean the house and spend time singing to God whilst doing so...
Then I'm gonna do some homework...
Then I'm going for an LRT ride with Core...
Then people are gonna come over and we're gonna play board games.

It's going to be difficult...I have...two computers...two phones...tonnes of music outlets...

BUT I was thinking about it the other night...actually I was thinking about one winter many moons ago...when I wasn't really intersted in TV or anything....I went outside...I remember months upon months of building a complete snow tunnel system under the five feet of snow around our school which was across the street from my house...I remember taking my little sister outside and her falling and hurting herself...I remember being able to comfort her by singing to her and smiling..showing her she would be okay.
I honestly have to wonder how long little things like that are going to last in this technology ridden society.
Why is it that any typical day looks like this:
Wake up
Take out cell and check the time/send good morning text messages
Lay in bed waiting for reply...listening to the radio that woke me up...
Going upstairs to take a shower...
Going back downstairs turning on a CD really loud...and getting ready...
While I am scrambling for my keys I am making sure my cell and my ipod are safely in my bag...
I throw on my backpack, laptop and all...
I head out the door putting my ear buds in...
I listen to music the whole way to school...reading any given text and highlighting important parts...
I get to class where I daze in and out of the lecture...taking notes with my laptop, but still talking on MSN, checking up on my message board (zee)...checking emails...bank statements etc...
The same happens for next class...
Then during the break I either read or write a paper/talk on MSN.
Choir is the only time I'm really not using technology...but even then...man.
On the way home I turn up my ipod and read and highlight some more...
When I get home I turn up my fave song of the day...do a lil relaxing...and a lil homework...
Then I sit down at my computer and check up on all that I've missed during the day.
When I go to bed, I put my stereo on sleep so I have 15 mins to listen to whatever is on the radio before I fall asleep...and the next day...it starts all over again.
Not to mention that throughout the entire day I am texting or calling people.

WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO REALITY?!?!

Not that I'm upset at/with technology...it's just...seriously...the addictions these days aren't to things like smoking or sleeping..it's things like ipods...cell phones...macs (no offense guys...I want one too)...what happened to being normal?

*sigh*

That is my vent.../thoughts....
We will see how tomorrow pans out...especially since I am attempting not to isolate myself, but continue in normal life...aight...talk to you all later...


By the way...won't be around til like Sunday night cuz I have 3 choir performances on Sunday.

God bless!

TFL

Apparently...my body enjoys pain.
I am still sick..not so much flu sick...though I am still craving soup like a mother. lol. I'm more or less can't-move-cuz-my-back-is-removing-itself-from-my-body kind of sick.
All I wanna do is get up and walk around...and go to school and go to class and feel okay...

Well, I have a doc appt. today at 1...though it's not coming fast enough..I've been awake since my alarm went off at 630...*sigh* I wanna do something!!!
I guess I can go have a shower...but I'm scared I'm gonna black out again from the pain. *wimper*

Oh well, basically, if you read this...either bring me soup or pray for me lol


I love you :) :)

Des

I have the flu

For the love!
It's like I'm always sick. I don't get it.
Two days ago I started feeling a lil off, and then last night it hurt to breath, to move...oi vey. This fever is the worst part I think.

On another note...I emailed Dave Von Bieker a few days ago...asking how long our fast had to be..and his response made me think. He said "if you cannot do a full day (wake up to sleep) sometime between now and the due date, you really need to question what your schedule is going to do to your spirit over time!"
That is a seriously amazing point...sometimes I wonder what it's going to be like when I have kids...how am I going to show them a relationship with Christ if I'm relying on technology so much. I mean, I went a long time without any kind of technology when I first moved to Edmonton...no computer, no phone, no music..my tv didn't work.....it was horrid. two months of it.
My schedule right now calls for technology...It seems that I don't have a choice. If people need to talk to me - the text me or call my cell. If my cell isn't answered they call my house...if neither is answered they think I'm dying and start calling hospitals (Tracy). I use my computer to write papers...take notes...and communicate with a lot of people. I always have some kind of music playing...
Man...I'm dependant on technology...just like the rest of the world. For the love!

Happy All-Saints Day

"This is the day, this is the day that the Lord has made, that the Lord has made. We will rejoice, we will rejoice and be glad in it, and be glad in it. This is the day that the Lord has made, we will rejoice and be glad in it..."

I haven't heard that song in years! But it's true! This is the day the Lord has made...his plans will come into place. Lives will be broken today, people will be convicted, they will fall in love, they will hide away, they will dance and sing in joy...people will be changed today! For better or for worse - the Lord is laying out His plans like a map, and though we can't see the entire journey, the Lord gives us enough light to see an upcoming curve or stop sign.

Oh my God is good! I am excited to see what His schedule is for today!!

I pray anyone who stumbles upon this blog will grow to understand the Lord in ways unknown to man