If You Loved Me.

"We're only deceiving ourselves and I'm sick of the lies...and you're too late.
Don't cry for me. If you loved me, you would be here with me.
Just make up your mind."

I have been having these crazy nightmares recently...I didn't know why until tonight...and now that I know..I know and I wish I didn't. The nightmares where two different ones, but recurring. I am trapped in both of them and I almost die....in one of them I think I do die...

Okay so I woke up this morning and I've been struggling with my boyfriend...immensly...like a LOT...and I feel so unsatisfied, yet I love him...what kind of girlfriend am I? Er...anyway...when I woke up this morning God told me that I'm gonna have to break some stuff off of me and just...be secure in Him. When I went to school....God was talking to me through the preacher there and oi vey...I have to break it off with him completely. I mean right now we're both "waiting" but I mean...I feel like I'm gonna break him. I owe it to him to just...let it go. But then I think about how my life will be without him...a lot less complicated, yes, but...empty. He has a large piece of my heart and if I just leave....then...I'm short that much heart. I am without my security...not only that I've got a chunk of his heart too...it's not mine...I don't want it...I want him to have it...I just...*is crying*...where do I go...thinking of life without him makes me want to scream.
Then I remember that my security and strength is in the Lord, not in him...
I feel like I'm letting him down.
I feel like I'm failing him.
What if he is the one I'm meant to be with? Am I going against the will of the Lord?
I don't want to jeopardize my leadership with the youth...I don't want to jeopardize my life for a relationship....
I'm so empty right now...and at the same time I'm so close to God...

I feel like I could just cry for days....and days and weeks...someone hold me :(