Alive, alive, alive forevermore...

UGH! Do NOT, may I repeat DO NOT take hydromorphine unless it's your prescription and you feel like suffocating and having electric shock sensations....

I took one last night along with some other pain medication and what started off as an adventure in stopping my back pain ended in a suicide frenzy...by 130, my body was twitching involuntarily, my mouth was dry, I kept suffocating, my throat would close and I wouldn't be able to breath for a while....and the last time it happened I actually passed out because of a lack of air...but I'm STILL ALIVE.

I don't know how I feel about that....I'm trying to write a paper on Euthanasia and I think it's getting to me...because when I woke up this morning...I was still suicidal....and continue to feel that way now.

The only thing I know is that if for even one second I decide to live by my emotions.....I'm outta here.