Your love makes me forget what I have been.

I need you to love me.

Christmas was a lot harder than I expected it to be. Strange hey? I spent the majority of Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day, crying..if not outwardly, I was definitely sobbing inside. Two people mentioned Isaiah within the same day...not for a lack of compassion, but a lack of knowledge...it hurt none-the-less...and poor Kyra got to sit with me while I cried. I'm such a wimp. I really enjoyed watching the dogs though...got me away from the norm that I am surrounded by.

I got my hair "fixed" the other day. I wanted to be blonde, but it was so hard to get the black out that we've resorted to a red-orange color. The hair dressers call it "dark copper blonde"...so I still got some apparent blonde in there. I fricken love it! I look so dang hawt now. Seriously! Like, honestly! HA....anyway....*shifty eyes*

So...something happened with one of my friends the other day...and we're both pretty angry at ourselves about it. I kind of want to talk to someone about it, but I'm much too ashamed, and at the same time....you know...I don't think he'd like it if I went talking about it. (AND it's probably NOT what you're thinking...lol...get your mind out of the gutter!)

mmm also...if you're reading this, can you please pray for me? Cutting has creeped its way back into my life....back to the extent it used to be. Well, that's what it's trying to convince me at least. Blasted son of a....grrr...yeah. Thanks :)

Anyway, I should probably go to bed now cuz frick, I have to supervise our youth all nighter tomorrow (woot?)....grrrrr...youth lol!

Love ya all.

Pizza Pockets

4:01 Pm....oi vey. I have 2 hours before I can do anything...I've already cleaned my room...now what? I'm going to get ready..what should I wear?? hmmmm Tonight is our group of friends annual get-together. Oi vey. Peter is coming OI VEY! lol...it's going to be interesting. AND today will be the first one I've driven myself to...
*looks proud*

Yeah....life is going a lil easier. For me. But a lot of my friends are having family issues, which I just want to solve. :(

Anyway, if I don't write before Christmas (WHICH IS IN 3 DAYS!) MERRY CHRISTMASSSSSSSSS!

Be blessed.

Unworthy.

I'm sick of constantly trying to prove myself worthy in everything. I'm sick of my friends taking everything that I do for granted and I'm sick of never getting anywhere because people are always walking on me. I'm TIRED OF IT! And you know what. This is probably the bitchiest you've seen me, but I'm being totally honest here.
I'm tired of life and I'm tired of trying and trying and trying and praying and trying and getting no where.
AND THAT is why I'm done.

Offended.

I'm trying desperately not to be offended. Desperately.

I am so depressed. And I know there are tonnes of people who say that...but I honestly am. And I know there are tonnes of people who say that too.....ugh..whatever. I'm not here to prove a point.

Here. This is my vulnerability for a while:

I miss Isaiah. I hate everything about this life. I hate it. Losses...gains. I hate it all.

Yesterday I spent a good hour sobbing and you know who came to see if I was okay? Core. I can't talk to him about being raped. I can't tell him about the horrifying memories that are consuming my mind. I went to talk to Amy and she basically said "I have to go, you know my number." I don't get it. What am I?

I'm sick of being shelved. I am sick of life. I hate it all. I've been in bed since 2 last night....it's fucking 5 oclock in the after noon. I"m a deadbeat...I'm worthless and stupid and I'm useless. I hate my life and if no one else hates it, they have no idea who I am.

I just want to die. I want this shit to end. I want to say goodbye.

I was wrong.

I thought I loved you, but I've realized there is so much more to life than you.
Your ego is suffocating me and I would rather just quit while we're ahead.

Maybe you're right, you are better than me....and it is my loss to not talk to someone who is treating me like shit in the first place...maybe that makes a fuck load of sense.

See ya. Fuck.

Mai

I am apparently obsessed with Josh Groban.....oh well.

Here I am sittin at school....attempting to catch up and study for my LITS exam tomorrow...let's see how productive that gets. Oi vey.

Oh hey, for any of you who knew I was having a panic attack on Sunday/Monday...well part of it was actually like food poisoning or something....kind of strange, yes, but I was not the only one who was feeling like throwing up after I ate the church food. In a way I'm thankful, but I'm still trying to fight off these nerves.

I just want to let all my friends know that I am really really really reeeeeeeeeally happy that we're friends. It is an honor to know each and every one of you and I hope that something in my life can help you guys grow.

AND...one last note...how do you tell someone you don't want to hang out with " no" if they're being really nosy and annoying? I don't wanna hurt her feelings, but I can't last a day with her.

I'm a bad person sometimes, I know.

God bless :)

Empty, Empty, Bo-Bempty

I am sitting here at worship practice...and oh joy is it the most fun I've had in years?! NO!

Well, I BROKE up with Core for GOOD on Sunday. And I'm sure I crushed him to death...which would explain the look tonight. It's so weird though. He must feel so....shitty. I mean, here I am, his ex girlfriend-the girl he loved and wanted to marry-lookin fiiiine and he's got...nothing. I dunno. In some parts of me I want to rub it all up in his face...I want to squish it in so bad that he can't breath. But why? I dunno. Bitterness? Why? I haven't got much to be bitter about.

Then I wonder..what if he doesn't feel like shit? What if he's over it...like I...am? Was I really all that he made me out to be? Was I his everything? Was I really as wonderful as he said I was....did he really love me that much? In a way I hope not, but in another I surely hope so...because of all the shit we went through. WHICH is another thing. I was thinking about how old he is. How old he was when we first slept together. When we almost had a child. HA...like what the fuck was I thinking?! SERIOUSLY! *beats self up*

Besides, I went out with Mark last night. HA! What now....*sigh*....I bet he's just trying to be nice. I'm gonna be alone forever. ha....not that I mind...guys seem to make life shittier.

Ughhhh I'm so EMO!!!!!!!!! Emo I tell you.....

Oh and good news about previously mentioned girl: we're talking again, she apologized and justified herself...and we talked and stuff..it's all good...poor girl. I'm such a douche sometimes.


Yup...

All that I am, All that I ever was...

...is here in your perfect eyes & they're all I can see....

I'm so emo today. Good? Nah. I don't even care anymore, I am completely apathetic about everything....is this normal for me? It used to be. *shrug*

I have a friend in my life right now, who has been distancing herself from me. And I understand, she deserves so much more than just me. I don't know how to act now...she is almost hostile. She just got really upset and kind of in my face about something I didn't even do. I wonder if we're going to be friends later....I honestly have to wonder if this was one of those "season" friendships. I really hope not, but her expectations of herself and everyone else are so high that no one can reach them, and as soon as they fail them, she gets upset. God, how can I keep up with that.

Friday is going to be a big day for me. Not big as in good, but big. If you could pray for me...that I will make the right decision and that God will direct my ways. I would really appreciate it.

Hmm...other than that...I dunno...I feel like I've had all of my joy stolen from me. If anyone knows where it went...can you let me know. Honestly, I cannot live so empty-like.

I love you okay.

I love you alright?
I'm told it will never work.
You tell me it's purely one thing and when you tell me that...it kills me.
I want MORE than this friendship. I love you okay.

How do you want me to tell you. How can I say it to you without wrecking shit?
I don't want to kill what we've got. But I don't want to stay here forever.
I don't know what I want. If this is all we've got, then I want to know that it's forever.

How can you trust me if I can't even....say what I want?

This will never work, and even your best friend just told you that.

I'm sorry that I'll never be enough. I really am sorry. For all of this.

Des

If you read this...

If you read this can you please pray for me?
There have been a few hard things that I am dealing with, that have just recently arisen. *sigh*
I really need God's comfort right now.