Why?! Oh why!!

mmm theology class...sharing time....rapping time....interpretive dance...wow. Will it ever end??

That's not my actual...blog...or purpose of my blog.

I was talking to someone the other day about my potential. She challenged me and asked me what my potential was. I couldn't come up with anything....twenty minutes and no idea what kind of potential I have. So I start to list things I am good at; I'm compassionate...I'm...good at singing...I'm encouraging. She stopped me while I was talking and pointed out those are ACTIONS...actions don't define me. How good or bad I am at whatever does not define who I AM. So, I thought...who am I? What makes me tick? All things that I DO. For the LOVE of everything good and holy!!!

I don't know how I am supposed to figure out who I am if I continue to be bombarded by the deception of the enemy. I can't continue to stand under all this fire. Not the good fire either. It's like in the last 3 days everything I have is crumbling..not material...though I suppose my mind is material...

I have made it 23 days without cutting. w00t...*ugh*...I've made it....20 mins without wanting to kill myself and those 20 mins have been filled with theology class...so I don't really have a choice...I feel ridiculous.

I tried to push Kyra away last night. I don't want to hurt her. She is amazing. I think it might have worked...*sigh*....I just wanna let go.

My friends deserve better anyway.

Why am I at this place? I think it's a mixture of things. The fact that I don't know how to define myself. The fact that....7 days marks the one year anniversary of Cole's lovely attack...I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. How am I supposed to work through this and live like a normal person. I want to just talk to someone about it. But I don't want to scar them for life. Ugh...and this is where I quit.

Strange Dream

I need to write this dream down, it's mostly for myself.

Starts with me driving and Mitchell in the front seat, two people in the back - Kyra and either Core or Shannon - not sure yet. We are at Ikea in South Edmonton and Nikki is standing in the parking lot. We stop for her and she gets in the passenger side, she asked Mitch if he had seen Derrick yet. We hadn't, and she warned against it.
After she got out of the car, we drove to find a parking stall, at the end of the stall was Derrick sitting in what appeared to be a fort...all dirty...he was homeless. The whole time he had not been at church, he'd been living there, trying to spread the good news....
Suddenly I am back at home, and Kyra is with me. When I walk in, I look up and my grandfather was standing there..offering me soup. Apparently I was going on a road trip. My bed was set up in another car and my bag was already packed. When I proceeded to look beyond Earl, in fear, I see Bette. I felt like I was suffocating. She told me I couldn't leave until I cleaned the whole house....so I started, and Kyra got creeped....so we went to jet....as we went out to the car that was packed, both my car and the packed one was gone. And then I woke up.


Off to school now :)

Your love makes me forget what I have been.

I need you to love me.

Christmas was a lot harder than I expected it to be. Strange hey? I spent the majority of Christmas Eve, Christmas and Boxing Day, crying..if not outwardly, I was definitely sobbing inside. Two people mentioned Isaiah within the same day...not for a lack of compassion, but a lack of knowledge...it hurt none-the-less...and poor Kyra got to sit with me while I cried. I'm such a wimp. I really enjoyed watching the dogs though...got me away from the norm that I am surrounded by.

I got my hair "fixed" the other day. I wanted to be blonde, but it was so hard to get the black out that we've resorted to a red-orange color. The hair dressers call it "dark copper blonde"...so I still got some apparent blonde in there. I fricken love it! I look so dang hawt now. Seriously! Like, honestly! HA....anyway....*shifty eyes*

So...something happened with one of my friends the other day...and we're both pretty angry at ourselves about it. I kind of want to talk to someone about it, but I'm much too ashamed, and at the same time....you know...I don't think he'd like it if I went talking about it. (AND it's probably NOT what you're thinking...lol...get your mind out of the gutter!)

mmm also...if you're reading this, can you please pray for me? Cutting has creeped its way back into my life....back to the extent it used to be. Well, that's what it's trying to convince me at least. Blasted son of a....grrr...yeah. Thanks :)

Anyway, I should probably go to bed now cuz frick, I have to supervise our youth all nighter tomorrow (woot?)....grrrrr...youth lol!

Love ya all.

Pizza Pockets

4:01 Pm....oi vey. I have 2 hours before I can do anything...I've already cleaned my room...now what? I'm going to get ready..what should I wear?? hmmmm Tonight is our group of friends annual get-together. Oi vey. Peter is coming OI VEY! lol...it's going to be interesting. AND today will be the first one I've driven myself to...
*looks proud*

Yeah....life is going a lil easier. For me. But a lot of my friends are having family issues, which I just want to solve. :(

Anyway, if I don't write before Christmas (WHICH IS IN 3 DAYS!) MERRY CHRISTMASSSSSSSSS!

Be blessed.

Unworthy.

I'm sick of constantly trying to prove myself worthy in everything. I'm sick of my friends taking everything that I do for granted and I'm sick of never getting anywhere because people are always walking on me. I'm TIRED OF IT! And you know what. This is probably the bitchiest you've seen me, but I'm being totally honest here.
I'm tired of life and I'm tired of trying and trying and trying and praying and trying and getting no where.
AND THAT is why I'm done.

Offended.

I'm trying desperately not to be offended. Desperately.

I am so depressed. And I know there are tonnes of people who say that...but I honestly am. And I know there are tonnes of people who say that too.....ugh..whatever. I'm not here to prove a point.

Here. This is my vulnerability for a while:

I miss Isaiah. I hate everything about this life. I hate it. Losses...gains. I hate it all.

Yesterday I spent a good hour sobbing and you know who came to see if I was okay? Core. I can't talk to him about being raped. I can't tell him about the horrifying memories that are consuming my mind. I went to talk to Amy and she basically said "I have to go, you know my number." I don't get it. What am I?

I'm sick of being shelved. I am sick of life. I hate it all. I've been in bed since 2 last night....it's fucking 5 oclock in the after noon. I"m a deadbeat...I'm worthless and stupid and I'm useless. I hate my life and if no one else hates it, they have no idea who I am.

I just want to die. I want this shit to end. I want to say goodbye.

I was wrong.

I thought I loved you, but I've realized there is so much more to life than you.
Your ego is suffocating me and I would rather just quit while we're ahead.

Maybe you're right, you are better than me....and it is my loss to not talk to someone who is treating me like shit in the first place...maybe that makes a fuck load of sense.

See ya. Fuck.