Why?! Oh why!!

mmm theology class...sharing time....rapping time....interpretive dance...wow. Will it ever end??

That's not my actual...blog...or purpose of my blog.

I was talking to someone the other day about my potential. She challenged me and asked me what my potential was. I couldn't come up with anything....twenty minutes and no idea what kind of potential I have. So I start to list things I am good at; I'm compassionate...I'm...good at singing...I'm encouraging. She stopped me while I was talking and pointed out those are ACTIONS...actions don't define me. How good or bad I am at whatever does not define who I AM. So, I thought...who am I? What makes me tick? All things that I DO. For the LOVE of everything good and holy!!!

I don't know how I am supposed to figure out who I am if I continue to be bombarded by the deception of the enemy. I can't continue to stand under all this fire. Not the good fire either. It's like in the last 3 days everything I have is crumbling..not material...though I suppose my mind is material...

I have made it 23 days without cutting. w00t...*ugh*...I've made it....20 mins without wanting to kill myself and those 20 mins have been filled with theology class...so I don't really have a choice...I feel ridiculous.

I tried to push Kyra away last night. I don't want to hurt her. She is amazing. I think it might have worked...*sigh*....I just wanna let go.

My friends deserve better anyway.

Why am I at this place? I think it's a mixture of things. The fact that I don't know how to define myself. The fact that....7 days marks the one year anniversary of Cole's lovely attack...I don't know how I am supposed to deal with this. How am I supposed to work through this and live like a normal person. I want to just talk to someone about it. But I don't want to scar them for life. Ugh...and this is where I quit.

Strange Dream

I need to write this dream down, it's mostly for myself.

Starts with me driving and Mitchell in the front seat, two people in the back - Kyra and either Core or Shannon - not sure yet. We are at Ikea in South Edmonton and Nikki is standing in the parking lot. We stop for her and she gets in the passenger side, she asked Mitch if he had seen Derrick yet. We hadn't, and she warned against it.
After she got out of the car, we drove to find a parking stall, at the end of the stall was Derrick sitting in what appeared to be a fort...all dirty...he was homeless. The whole time he had not been at church, he'd been living there, trying to spread the good news....
Suddenly I am back at home, and Kyra is with me. When I walk in, I look up and my grandfather was standing there..offering me soup. Apparently I was going on a road trip. My bed was set up in another car and my bag was already packed. When I proceeded to look beyond Earl, in fear, I see Bette. I felt like I was suffocating. She told me I couldn't leave until I cleaned the whole house....so I started, and Kyra got creeped....so we went to jet....as we went out to the car that was packed, both my car and the packed one was gone. And then I woke up.


Off to school now :)